Thanks, pal, for nothing.
I tell you, kiddies, things are tough all over.
What with my hack-spenses going up
and suddenly finding out I owe the DIE-R-S a fortune,
your pal the Crypt Keeper's had to find himself a second chop.
Still, it's worse for the people in tonight's terror tale.
It concerns a group of inmates at the local home
who've got a few horrid choices of their own to make.
I call it, "Revenge Is The Nuts."
Damn, damn!
Samuel, what is it?
He's bricked up the goddamn bathroom again! Son of a bitch!
I hear you, Grunwald.
You no-good, scum-sucking... Damn!
You think you've got me this time, do you?
Don't panic, Samuel. I'm coming.
And I'm going, right in his goddamn office.
In your pants, Sammy-boy.
In your eye, shit-for-brains!
The seven-ten split on a slider.
Oh, shit!
Yes!
God, I love this game.
It ain't right, Arnie.
Mr. Grunwald, doofus!
How many times do I have to tell you that to you, I am "Mister Grunwald"?
Is the girl in my office?
She's in your sitting room.
Mr. Grunwald, can I help Samuel now?
Keep it up, four eyes, and you're dog meat.
Now, go find the girl.
Hello?
I'm blind, not stupid.
The seat's just ahead of you, on your right.
You can learn a lot from a woman's shoes.
Screamers usually wear spiked heels.
Tight-asses, pumps.
I wonder how combat boots will fit in.
- Oh, keep it in your pants. - I see.
Angry are we? Well, let me set you straight, Sheila. It is Sheila, isn't it?
You are here under my care because the county put you here.
So, for at least the next six months,
you can consider yourself one of my subjects.
Well, who the hell died and made you king?
In the land of the blind, even the one-eyed man is king.
If you know what's good for you, you'll do things my way.
Benny!
Take Cinderella here to the ballroom.
What do you think, Mother?
Prime piece of meat, yes?
You jealous old bitch.
What a scumbag that guy is.
Why don't you lead me to the front door and just
let me out of this place, all right?
No, ma'am, I can't.
Mr. Grunwald, he'd be very upset.
What's his problem, anyway? His mother didn't take him around for Halloween?
No, ma'am.
His mother was blind, just like you.
Come on, be a sport. Let me go.
I'll make it worth your while.
No.
You don't...
You don't understand.
You're Grunwald's boy. I understand fine.
No, you don't understand.
You don't understand.
If I cross him,
he'll send me back.
Where?
State hospital.
Reedville.
Jesus, that's a mental hospital, isn't it?
What did they lock you up for?
My brother...
My brother had me committed.
Sorry about that, Chief.
You've just been shafted.
Everybody?
Everybody, this is Sheila.
Sheila, this is everybody.
Now, your bed is just four beds down, on the right.
It's just the end of the room.
There's a blanket and some extra clothes if you want them.
Mr. Grunwald, he gets those clothes for free from the country club.
This place smells horrible.
It grows on you. Literally.
Well, sorry, pal. I ain't staying.
Hey!
Shit.
Is there a window in this place?
Somebody answer me!
Yeah, we got windows.
But they've all been boarded up.
Mr. Grunwald think blind people don't need no light.
Well, I don't understand. I thought his mother was blind.
She was,
but if she hadn't left this place to the state and cut him out of her will,
none of us would have to have anything to do with that asshole!
Shit, what the hell is that?
Dinner train out of Atlanta.
Every hour, on the hour.
Shit, I gotta get out of this place. I can't...
Now, now, now. Calm down, honey.
Calm down. No use fighting the choke chain.
Look, it might work for some people, but it does nothing for me.
You ain't getting out, sugar. Now, that's the point.
I mean, you might get as far as the front door.
Osgood made it there once.
Matter of fact, that's Osgood's foot you got in your hand right now.
At least, what's left of it after Grunwald's dog got hold of it.
Oh, God!
Bruno, shut up.
If you're that hungry, dig up Mother in the garden.
- Here she is, Mr. Grunwald. - Benny.
Say, "Ah."
Hole-in-one.
Look, you slimy bastard, I am not like the others.
I'm not just gonna lie down while you take advantage of me.
Interesting turn of phrase.
"Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's"
"and unto God"
"that which is God's."
What?
The other day, didn't you offer Benny a little something if he'd let you go?
That son of a bitch.
No, don't blame Benny. It wasn't his fault.
I was right behind him. I heard the whole thing.
The problem is, you were talking to the wrong person.
So, if I sleep with you, you'll let me go.
Well, it's not quite that easy.
I am really not that big on one night stands.
If you want to leave, we'll have to take it one day,
or night, at a time.
- Up yours. - Not really my style.
Strip away this thin veneer of sophistication, and underneath
you'll find I'm just an upfront kind of guy.
Benny!
Take the blind bitch away.
It's okay. I'll take you back.
Thank you, Benny. I'd appreciate that.
I really think you should reconsider my offer.
I can be very persuasive when I want to be.
Hey.
Look who's back.
Listen, none of us deserves to be here.
We haven't done a damn thing.
We all been through this.
We all raged against it.
But at the end of the night, here we are.
No, not for long.
You know Benny's key chain? He's got a little pocket knife that hangs on it.
- Yeah, yeah. - I borrowed it.
Where's the nearest way out of here?
Through Grunwald's office.
It's the only way.
- You sure about this? - Yes.
Sheila.
I'd like to introduce you to Bruno, who will be handling security here from now on.
It's only fair to warn you, he hasn't eaten for two days
and he's particularly fond of fresh meat.
Isn't that so, Osgood?
So, if there are no objections,
I suggest you all return to your quarters.
Oh, dear.
You can keep that little pig sticker.
I don't think Bruno will be particularly concerned.
The knife was for you, asshole.
Where the hell you been, boy?
I was beginning to think we weren't gonna get fed at all today.
Sorry, everybody. Just one meal a day from now on.
Lowlife son of a bitch.
Here you go.
I'm sorry, miss.
I didn't want his lousy food anyway.
Can't we at least get some heat in here?
Mr. Grunwald says...
Grunwald says...
Miss,
he changed his offer.
He's not gonna let you go if you sleep with him,
but he said that he'd turn the heat up and bring the rations back to normal.
I wish there was something I could do.
It's not your fault, Benny. You're a prisoner just like the rest of us.
Well, now, how long could it possibly take?
Don't be ridiculous, girl. We can't let you do that.
Well, it's not like I've got to look at him.
We ain't that cold nor hungry, not yet.
It's like you said, Samuel. No use fighting a choke chain.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're not gonna let you do it, and that's the end of it.
Osgood?
Let the girl go.
What the hell, let's do Grunwald's way for a change.
I thought this was how it would turn out.
I'm only sorry it took so long.
Well, what can I say? I'm a slow learner.
Why do I find that hard to believe?
To blind love.
Shall I undress?
Why don't you leave that to me?
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
You wanna play rough?
We can play rough.
It's all right, miss. It's me, Benny.
My brother's not gonna bother you anymore.
Benny!
Benny! God damn it!
There's gonna be hell to pay when I get out of here, Benny.
Hell to pay.
Reedville, Benny. Back to Reedville.
You know what that means.
Shock treatments, Benny.
Electricity.
Ow! What the...
Very clever, Benny.
I'm getting out of here.
And when I do, I'm going to my office.
And when I get there...
No, no, no, Bruno.
Down! Take it easy. Down, Bruno.
Sit. Good girl. Hello, there.
Arnie, we can't find the food anywhere.
Bruno's awfully hungry.
Now, you listen to me, you little pissant.
You haven't got the guts.
That's okay, 'cause we do.
I'm your own flesh and blood, for God's sake.
So was Mama, but you killed her anyway.
It was an accident. She tripped on the goddamn marbles.
I may be a little crazy, Arnie, but I'm not stupid.
Well, what are you gonna do when they call for Mr. Grunwald, huh?
What are you going to do then?
Well, I'm Mr. Grunwald.
In your eye, shit-for-brains.
Say goodnight, Grunwald.
Shit!
That Grunwald, one little problem and he goes right to pieces.
At least now we know what's really eating him.
As for me, kiddies, I think I've got my money problems licked.
I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.
Talk about a killing!
Everybody loves finger food.
Hey, you want a side of ghoul slaw with that?